Feeling Squishy

I want to love you in the most innocent ways

Learn how you like your coffee and memorize the way you take your tea

Prepare it in the morning and leave it on your nightstand

So the first thing you see to start your day

Is a small, comforting, gentle reminder

That you are cared for, cherished, and loved

I want to wrap my arms around you

Leave an imprint of your soul in my chest

And keep you close to me at all times

I want to remember what your fingers feel like intertwined with mine long after we’ve locked eyes for the last time

I wish to love you like childhood friends

Growing and exploring together and connecting in ways only innocence can

I want to love you, hold you, in ways that bring us both comfort and closeness and joy

I want to love you in all of loves forms, want to love you in languages only you and I speak

I want to love you, always, tenderly

XxMMT

Body Flares

Good days lead to bad flares

My body doesn’t carry me the way it used to and I’m starting to slip through my own two hands

I’m at war with myself; at war with her

This figure in the mirror

Neither of us remembers who threw the first punch

But we both hold grudges and resent the need to move forward

Blame goes both way

Rivers and valleys etched into my skin

And failing chemistry to the point of forgetting my own self worth

Forging new pathways in my brain used to be so simple

Too simple; becoming rerouted and set on incoherent default stations

The train in my brain runs awry; tiptoeing this fine line between god complex and in-cohesive imposter syndrome

I am either crumbling — falling apart — or spiraling inward — imploding in on myself

I am not piecing myself together

I am not weaving together a new tapestry for healing myself and comforting myself

Not today

Today I am unraveling

Today I am coming undone

— XxMMT

•

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Heartache…

Your red flags looked beautiful through my rose tinted glasses.

My heart aches for who I was when I was 19.

She accepted the love she thought she deserved…

I wish I held her more tightly. I wish the pain you caused me at 19… 21… 23.. I wish… I wish I knew I deserved to be held; safely.

Safety. A beautifully twisted concept I’m not sure I’ll ever grasp…

XxMMT

sad girl

I saw stars in your eyes

The bright lights called to me

Blazing and beautiful

But I flew too close

Caught up in the aura and forgetting the harsh reality of the scorching sun

I never thought you would hurt this badly…

XxMMT

Let Flow — A Poem

I have been lost at sea

alone on a voyage under the stars

and too afraid to even glance upward

the moon gleams

hovering above me 

and I feel her

chilled to the core and solitary 

but then slowly

ever so slowly 

the sun’s rays begin to peek through

and once again

I am bathed in the light and warmth

but the rays shine too deep

and cut into my flesh

I am withering

with no escape in sight

I surrender

fall under the current 

gasping

grasping

and then

suddenly 

I am a breathing

I am inhaling this salty sea

and I am

Okay

time ticks on and I learn to swim

freely

through this vast and unending ocean

I have finally learned to 

release

and let flow

•••

As always, thanks for reading! I always appreciate any comments or feedback! Share your writing with me too I’d love to support your work!!! All of my work — EVERYTHING — can be found over on my patreon! It’s a little behind the scenes glimpse into my creative process and the going one of my life. I offer spiritual services like tarot readings and dream interpretations as share my poetry, blog posts, and essays! It’s a super great way to support me for only $1!

Right now, I’m working on a project set to launch in January! I’m building a brand new website with new products and services and publishing more essays! I’m ALREADY posting snippets and pieces to patreon!!! Check it out!!!

😌💭🙏🏼

A Poem: I Am Reborn

I close my eyes

deep, long, drawn out inhale

exhale the weight I’ve been carrying all week

I feel the nebulas in my aura

the stardust coursing through my veins

I am silent

here hidden in my own shadow

I am reborn

•••

As always, more information about this poem and early access can be found on my patreon!

A Poem: I Drift Away

I am no longer on the surface
bobbing my head up and down
swimming in the push and pull
I am underneath
suffocating slowly under the current’s swell
and begging for release
I am drowning in this abyss
blinded by the darkness
searching for any gleam of light
And I am coming undone
lost and alone
I fall to pieces
and drift away

•••

I’ve really been struggling lately. My mental health has not been optimal or ideal. I’m scared in all honesty. The weather changed and I went on a new medication and everything went downhill. I don’t know; it’s not okay but I’m trying to make it better.
This poem is how I feel lately. Like I’m not even swimming anymore. I used to feel like sometimes a wave would crash over my head but lately I feel like I’m drowning all the way under the surface.
I’m suffocating and trying to learn how to breathe water.
Not sure where we’re going… but I’ll keep pressing on.

my lighthouse

you are the end

and you are the beginning 

my lighthouse out

on the raging sea

my early mornings

and latest nights

you cast out my fears

with your gentle light

and i love the smile

cast on your face

every time i’m wrapped up

in your warm embrace

calling me home

to loving arms

i drift off every night

nestled and warm

the mourning… 103/365

#mmtpoetry365

103/365

but when i close my window

draw the curtains shut

and tuck myself into bed

i can still hear her mourning cries

echoing in the wind

falling behind… 102/365

#mmtpoetry365

102/365

i start to fall behind

last place in this race

where the only opponent is myself

and i can’t seem to make up for lost time

losing my sense of direction

i start to take slower strides

until i’m crawling on the floor

hands and knees

praying to be put out of my misery