The Calming of the Storm

I am so tired of trying to exist in several different forms.
Taking on one appearance for Twitter. One for Instagram. Mastodon. WordPress. Social Media in general..
Finally created my own website to breakaway from this disconnect and yet… I always end up all over the place…
Things have been… an adventure. A wild motherfucking adventure.
And I’m tired. But not of the adventure. Of keeping to myself and sharing only half and fragmented versions.
So here I am.
Staring a blinking cursor and wondering what the hell I’ve gotten myself into…
I think I’m going to be primarily posting on patreon, hopefully daily…
I’ll open up the posts to make everything public except for my $5.55 tier – that’ll unlock extra posts, polls about upcoming podcast, weekly spells, fun goodies, sneak peeks, etc etc etc
But I will always, always offer tip based spiritual guidance for free to ALL of my patrons – regardless of tier level.
You guys…. Y’all… My friends… YEESH.
I think… here… in this little rambly notes document I will tell you the adventures I’ve been embarking upon… and if I hit delete, well no one will ever be the wiser…

My life exploded. Imploded? I’m not really sure but damn did a bitch hit a tower moment and come crashing down hard…
My seven year engagement ended. My fiancé and I split after seven years… seven fuckung years…
And I still don’t think I’ve unpacked that one fully…
My heart aches. And no, not like a euphemism, like a fucking beating.
I’m sad.
Not grieving… which only makes me sadder…
I feel like…
I feel like I spent the past seven years feeling so unwanted, unattractive, to my very core… and damn that shit fucked me up… hopefully not irreparably…
I have never felt freer than I do being 11 hours from my hometown… from… it all.
I am home.
Nothing is stable. Nothing is secure. Nothing is set in stone. But goddamn when I wake up in the morning and I see that new skyline and I smell the salt air and see /her/ it’s just… goddamn. I’m home. I’m safe. I’ve landed.
This is it. This is the one. Always has been. Always will be.
Will and I broke up after seven… admittedly chaotic.. years.
I’m back with my girl for one month and it’s like falling asleep in your own bed after you’ve been out of town for too long… she’s home. We’re home. Wherever we end up.
I feel like eventually I will have to tell the story behind all of my problematic she-poems… she has always been hidden in between the lines of all my verses…
We met in the third grade. Connected more deeply in the eighth…
Life has been chaotic and unkind to both of us, in our relationships and otherwise… hurricanes have to breach at some point though. One day the wind stops whipping your face so hard and the god-rays start to peek through… I think that’s where we are right now…
And before, we’ve seen the eye of the storm. Before, we’ve been in that kind of too quiet calm… but this. This is ease. This is a gentle breeze. This is a sandy beach and swaying palms instead of grey skies cast behind a deserted island. And I’m hoping to set up camp long term.
My passions are starting to come back to life. My fire is starting to reignite. Im starting to feel… alive. For the first time in well over ten years.. I can breathe. And that’s a radical concept. Just being able to catch my breath.
I’m not ready to spill my guts on the rest of my adventures… not yet. But I’ll comes back because there will always be more to tell.

If you’re here, if you’re reading this, if you made it this far through my rambles and my chaos please know that I am unendingly grateful for you. Screaming into the void will always ease my soul. But goddamn when it feels like the void might actually be listening… might even echo back… Sublime. Truly.
I’ll be back.
I hope you’ll be here, too.
Thank you, always.
XxMMT

Some Updates <3

Hi friends; it’s been a while since I sat down and actually talked about what I’ve been up to so… hi hey hello this is me trying to make a slight, introverted appearance back into the world. Thanks for having me.

I recently reached a personal milestone.

Nine years free from self harm…

I’m terrified of where this leaves me however. Things are… unstable. And I’m not riding this current very well as of late.

I’ve been writing daily though. And I’m so, so happy I’ve found this outlet again.

I post daily on my patreon now. I’m working on a project called XxMMT27… and everything I’m writing from here on out will categorized using XxMMT.. so.. hi hello welcome to my new adventure…

I’m not sure where I’m going. I’m not sure what I’m doing. But I’m here. And I’m trying. Goddamn I really am trying.

I have a handful of great projects I’m working to bring to life before I turn 28.

My 27th birthday is the end of may and I’d like to get some stuff done in this year… so.. welcome to me trying to write my way… write my way home I guess.

So much has changed for me in such a short period of time.

My long term relationship ended. I’m not able to financially support myself. I’m trying (repeatedly) to get some support for my disability but that’s not working and I’m not able to hold steady employment. I’m just… lost I think. But I’m on a mission to find myself. And I’m determined to do it.

I’m tired if I’m being completely honest with you all. I am so, so damn tired.

But I carry on. I push on.

Some days I can float. Some days I tread water. Some days I am frantically raging against a thrashing current and fuck my arms are so tried but I have to do this. Goddammit I have to do this.

But fuck. I am tired. I want to rest. I want to let go. I want… I want… I want to let go.

But it’s not time.

Not yet.

362.

We’ll make it.

So I push on. I will always push on.

Thanks for being here if you made it this far.

If you’d like to stay up to date on my writing and projects I’d love for you to check out my patreon feed it’s a magickal $5.55/mo and I would greatly appreciate the support… it means the world to me to know there are fellow spoonies rooting me on… thank you always.

With all my love,

XxMMT ❤

Feeling Squishy

I want to love you in the most innocent ways

Learn how you like your coffee and memorize the way you take your tea

Prepare it in the morning and leave it on your nightstand

So the first thing you see to start your day

Is a small, comforting, gentle reminder

That you are cared for, cherished, and loved

I want to wrap my arms around you

Leave an imprint of your soul in my chest

And keep you close to me at all times

I want to remember what your fingers feel like intertwined with mine long after we’ve locked eyes for the last time

I wish to love you like childhood friends

Growing and exploring together and connecting in ways only innocence can

I want to love you, hold you, in ways that bring us both comfort and closeness and joy

I want to love you in all of loves forms, want to love you in languages only you and I speak

I want to love you, always, tenderly

XxMMT

Body Flares

Good days lead to bad flares

My body doesn’t carry me the way it used to and I’m starting to slip through my own two hands

I’m at war with myself; at war with her

This figure in the mirror

Neither of us remembers who threw the first punch

But we both hold grudges and resent the need to move forward

Blame goes both way

Rivers and valleys etched into my skin

And failing chemistry to the point of forgetting my own self worth

Forging new pathways in my brain used to be so simple

Too simple; becoming rerouted and set on incoherent default stations

The train in my brain runs awry; tiptoeing this fine line between god complex and in-cohesive imposter syndrome

I am either crumbling — falling apart — or spiraling inward — imploding in on myself

I am not piecing myself together

I am not weaving together a new tapestry for healing myself and comforting myself

Not today

Today I am unraveling

Today I am coming undone

— XxMMT

•

If you’d like to support a spoonie writer, I’d love you to check out my patreon <333

Heartache…

Your red flags looked beautiful through my rose tinted glasses.

My heart aches for who I was when I was 19.

She accepted the love she thought she deserved…

I wish I held her more tightly. I wish the pain you caused me at 19… 21… 23.. I wish… I wish I knew I deserved to be held; safely.

Safety. A beautifully twisted concept I’m not sure I’ll ever grasp…

XxMMT

sad girl

I saw stars in your eyes

The bright lights called to me

Blazing and beautiful

But I flew too close

Caught up in the aura and forgetting the harsh reality of the scorching sun

I never thought you would hurt this badly…

XxMMT

“I wasn’t supposed to be here this long…”

Another month has passed me by; and I, again, have nothing to show for it.

Lost. Alone. Desolate. Desperate.

Trying too hard to make sense of something senseless.

There was never meaning here, was there?

“I’m glad you’re writing again”

I was,

I was.

And now?

Who knows,

Who knows.

But I try

When the light falls and night creeps in I tuck myself under the weight of my heavy held heart and try to write my way home.

But I don’t know where I’m going with this.

I don’t know who I am.

I don’t what I’m doing.

I wasn’t supposed to be here this long.

I’m not supposed to be here.

— XxMMT

A (Re)Introduction

Welcome here; Welcome home

Hello All.

My name is Megan Marie and I have been writing for as long as I can remember.

From short stories about an imaginary cat traveling to outer space in the 3rd grade — to self publishing a chapbook of poems in 2019 — I have always felt more at ease when words flow through me.

I am a childhood trauma survivor. I have struggled with my mental health for half of my life now… A sinking reality and that never fully sets in. But this route in my life path led me to take solace in my writing once again. My journals overflowed and my tumblr blogs were spammed with angsty poetry. But I had an outlet. I had an escape. One better than the self inflicted hatred I was forcing on my body. I was piecing together the shattered bits of myself, pieces that I thought had been irreparably damaged. And I was learning to tell my own story.

In my search for relief from grieving the lost parts of myself, I found my own spiritual path. Gaia is my home and the Moon is my girlfriend. I pray to nature and trust the tides of time. I specialize in tarot and energy work and I have always had a passion for research and expanding my sources of knowledge. There is so much wisdom and beauty to be found in this world. And I hope to explore it all.

I have finally gained the courage to expand my shared writings to my essays and long-form verse. I leaned into micro poetry for the sake of the algorithms but it was always a glove that fit a little too tightly. I love to ramble, I love to string words together, I love to use semicolons and comas with reckless abandon (and maybe a parenthetical from time to time…) and, oh, the elipses; and, of course, the Oxford comma. I will always be an English major at heart. This language fascinates me. 26 small characters in a never ending string of combinations coming together to form styles of unique expressions. Enthralling. Truly beautiful.

I am at a precipice in my journey. My nails are bleeding from my grip slipping off this jagged cliff face. But I am determined to hold on. I am determined to climb this mountain. I am determined to write my way out of my self proclaimed labyrinth. I am determined to write my way home.

So here I am, and here we are. I am embarking on a new journey of self love and discovery. Who am I when I learn to trust myself? Who am I when I enforce the boundaries that make me feel safe? Who am I when I vocalize my needs? Who am I when I try to heal? Who am I when I feel whole?

I’m here to do the work. I’m here to find out.

So thank you, for reading this far and for maybe even tagging along on this journey. Your support in my mission of self love is wildly appreciated.

Thank you for being here…

XxMMT ❤

•••

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my work!! I love any feedback or making new friends!

If you like my work, I would absolutely love for you to check out my Patreon!

I offer free spiritual services like tarot readings and dream interpretations for only $1 and also behind the scenes and extended blog posts for only $5.55!

I’d love to see you there!

Unraveling

I haven’t done anything creative since the beginning of this year.. and it’s almost April.

Well… I guess, in all fairness, it is officially spring. Maybe Aries season will be the time I come back to life.

Everything has changed. And it all happened so abruptly that my head is still spinning. I’m not sure where to even begin.

I had been with my lover for seven years.. and now we are awkward acquaintances at best.

I’m alone and on my own for the first time… April, my most difficult month, is right around the corner, and I’m all alone… and honestly? I’m terrified.

I wrote a bunch of notes tonight. It’s 3:30am currently. These are the unhinged thoughts that have been swirling behind my eyes.

I must advise a trigger warning for grief, self harm, mental illness, and eating disorders

I am trying,

Goddamn I am trying,

I am trying to come back to life. It has been so long…

Thank you to those of you who continued to read my unhinged poetry and notes app rambles ie:this

Your support is everything to me. Everything.

•

March 29, 2023 – 12:47am

Everything has changed
Abruptly and overwhelming
I am so tired
Exhausted
Done.
In every way
Sick and tired and of being sick and tired\
And sick and tired of my own goddamn self
My heart hurts
My head aches
Nothing is a euphemism
My soul hurts like it’s taken a beating
I’m breaking
I have broken
The incoherency of my thoughts has become apparent
Here I am
No longer lost at sea but on some foreign shoreline where the wildlife is out to get me
Help me?
Save me?
My teenage voice echoes from her corner in this labyrinth
Have you heard
The recycled metaphors of my past selves
She echoes in everything I do
Everything I touch turns to sorrow and grief
She never healed
I am broken
But not irreparably

I am scared to face myself in the mirror
Her eyes do not reflect an image I recognize and I’m scared I’m slipping back into the corners of my own mind
Again
Lost and trapped behind my own eyes
Blinded
By the grief of a future I’ll never get to know
So I wander
And wonder
And I pray I find her again

I am screaming
I am waving my arms
Ferociously
ViolentlyFuriously
Pleading
But know one is here to hear me
I have pushed them all away
Locked them out
And thrown away the key
Can you really mourn someone you never truly knew?
I am slipping
Under the surface and off the edge
All at the same time
Am I falling or flying
Who knows
Who knows

I used to dream
In brilliant, blazing, blinding color
And now everything is greyscale
Black and white
With hollowed out centers and shadows creeping around the edges
This is the opposite of a collage
The opposite of a tapestry of life
I am unraveling

Y

•

Those are the censored version of my notes from tonight’s teary eyed writing session.

To read the full post and keep up to date on my unraveling, becoming a patron for $5+/month

I’ve been very inconsistent in the past, I will freely admit and own up to. I have not be a good content creator, I have barely been a good human. But I am trying again. And I appreciate you even reading this far…

Thank you for being here.

I’m going to try to write more.. on WordPress and patreon. And post to my Instagram and maybe figure out mastodon? I don’t know things change so quickly.

Fuck TikTok tho amirite millennials 

I want to try long form verse and spoken word… so… allow me some grace as I get used to hearing my own voice… I’m nervous…

But this season of my life is called:

“Doing the damn thing simply to challenge your preconceived notions and overcome the obstacles your brain made up to dampen your spirit”

I’m coming back to life.

I don’t know how exactly yet.. but I am. I will. I am.

Praying always and sending love.

—

XxMMT

Journal Prompt 1/365: What Would I Like My Life To Look Like 365 Days From Now?

Hi lovelies! Happy new year! I hope day one treated you well and you’re looking forward to this next chapter

Everyday this year I am going to be posting a new journal prompt designed to help connect with yourself! Self love prompts, self compassion, trust, understand, joy! I’m so excited!

So for todays!

What’re would you like your life to look a year from today?

Honestly? There are two major, major things for me.

1. Move out and have my own stable place to live with my lover and our furbaby 
2. Quit smoking. For good.

I have to have my own place. I have to. I have to. 

So, my fiancé and I are currently living behind my parents house in a tiny home that is, quite literally, falling apart around us. It’s killing me softly and slowly and miserably, truly. The “couch” is killing my hips and pelvis. My love can’t even lay out all the way on the bed. They bonk their head in the shower… everything is falling apart.. and it makes me heavy and hollow… I just.. I have overgrown this pot and it is impeding my ability to bloom…

But as for smoking? F*ckn aye. This is a decade-long spiral I have been trapped in. I quit for about a year at one point. And then again for about six months. But I’m so determined this time. I need this. For me. For my family. For my health… For my Freedom. 

So I think those are the biggest ones.

Also, simply put, I would like to be happy. And stable. And feeling secure and confident. 

I don’t have much for resolutions but I just want to make the most of the time I have with the people I care about. The winds change so quickly, I just want to make the most of what I have. 

Be present. Stay present. Just… Be.

In 365 days I would like my life to be filled with joy and comfort.

What about you? What are you most looking forward to this year? What would like to see unfold before you? I hope you have the courage to take that leap!

Thanks for being here ❤ you can keep up today here or on my brand new website!

Share your thoughts with me in the comments or with the tag #SoftAndPowerful2023 around the web!

—

XxMMT